NOBEL Super Mario Gummy

I’ll be honest, I didn’t think my first official Sweet Synopsis review would be on a $13 Japanese import I found at a smoke shop. FYI, I don’t smoke but was picking up some for a friend.

I don’t mean to set the precedent that this is a foreign candy review show, because it’s not. The vast majority of what I plan to review are items you will find at every CVS or gas station in the US.

I didn’t even see the price tag until it got rung up and in the moment, all I wanted was to not look broke and lame. I panicked and not only bought the gummies, but happily took the 2 for $30 deal on geek bars with money that wasn’t mine. I also forgot to look at the expiration date. Granted, it’s not like they were selling year past expired candy. Surely.

Ok well it’s not a year past expired. It’s eight months and those four can make all the difference I hope. Astute readers will have already noticed this.

As part of the formalities, each gummy has 0.3 grams of sugar. There are 19 gummies in the bag, which gives us an extremely impressive 5.7 grams of sugar in the entire package. As more of these are released, you’ll see just how incredible that stat is. American nutrition facts don’t give decimal values, so that is also appreciated here. 0.3g turns into <1g which is just stupid and uninformative.

You may have noticed the “Shelf Life: 10 Months” at the bottom. I’m praying that I’ll never have to review another piece of candy that’s a year and a half old.

Opening the bag delivered an intensely stiff scent of melon. It’s to be expected but damn was it strong. If you see a flavored food in Japan that’s colored green, there’s a 99% chance it’s melon flavored.

These are no doubt all just reused renders of the characters but it’s still very cute. I recognize quite a few of them, like the Mario 3D World one right from the bottom left, and the mario party one to the right of that. I’m gonna try the odd red out on the far left.

This feels like a bad omen, but it’s one I signed up for.

I mentioned the green was most definitely melon from the smell. As for the other flavor: I had probably subconsciously read this on the English part of the packaging and forgot, but I correctly guessed it was cola. I can’t read japanese. Astute readers will have already noticed this.

Anyways, I won’t be saying this ever again to be clear, but in the spirit of the episode… itadakimasu.

It’s about what you’d expect – a hard swallow. The inside is actually really good, which gives me the impression that if these weren’t crusted and 18 months old, I’d be having a great time. I should reiterate how impressive it is that they’re plenty sweet and have a fifth of the sugar the next episode’s subject has.

The melon flavor was alright. It’s standard melon flavor, but I’m just not super partial towards it.

I got a mushroom too, which makes me think how many other shapes are in here. On the packaging, they only advertise a Mario and a Yoshi. Astute readers will have already noticed this.

Finishing that one off I realized that I really don’t want to eat these anymore. The only reasonable thing to do, then, is to open up all the remaining pieces to see which gummy shapes I get.

There’s the boy. Just as decrepit as I remember :)

I think I hear someone faintly whispering something like “Killlll meeeeeee.” I’m definitely not eating him if that’s what he’s asking.

Just wanted to reiterate how FUCKING OLD THESE THINGS ARE.

Anyways, with all of them opened, I have the complete roundup.

I found one more! A koopa shell, or I guess it’d be a green shell like how the mushroom is a red mushroom. Maybe the idea is that green mario is supposed to be luigi, because shape of gummy has a red and green variant within the games.

As shitty as this lighting is, it actually better represents the color of the gummies. They’re not nearly as dark in shade as the other pictures would suggest.

I dunno. Maybe these would be edible if you cut off the crust shell.

Final Score: 2 bangins

★★☆☆☆

Like all Sweet Synopsis reviews, we start with a base of 2½ bangins.

Positives:

Negatives:

Recommendation: ☹👎︎

Only if you’re in japan. If you can find them cheap and relatively fresh, they’re well worth it.