I Killed His Squirtle

I hate being pitied.

The woman at the front desk saw me crying and offered to heal my pokémon entirely for free. As much as I hate taking handouts, she was saving me like ₽600, which is at least a whole pokeball.

Not that I personally agree, but everyone seems to think I’m weak. I’m not weak, I’m broke, and there’s a big difference. TARMANDER died because that SKRILEX wanna-be fought dirty. I can fight dirty too.

SKRILEX doesn’t remember his family anymore. He doesn’t remember how it feels to be loved. His childhood has been robbed from him and I couldn’t be more pleased.

SKRILEX has bloodlust.

Anywho, I got a text from Leaf telling me to meet him on the road west of Viridian City at noon. I showed up a couple minutes early because I wanna jump him and take his Squirtle .

Waiting, waiting, waaiiaiiaiii-

I fell right onto the, the uhh, the um…

The tile flooring? Why is there tile flooring in a grass field?

Damnit.

I knew LEAF was about to start with his bird. Don’t ask me how – it’s a trade secret. Part of what makes me the incredible trainer I am. I remembered watching the first episode of the anime and how quickly all those sparrows got fried from Ash’s Pikachu .

I knew exactly who to use. “GO PIKABLUE !”

Wrong pokéball. I really should start labeling these things.

“You got this, LVL 2 RATT !”

Poor fucker never stood a chance. Didn’t really have time to get to know him though, so it’s whatever.

REST IN PEACE, LVL 2 RATT .

The late rattata gave me enough time to frantically open each pokeball and figure out which one was which. A beautiful distraction from a true martyr.

GO, PIKABLUE !

“THUNDERSHOCK!”

Just like in the movies, PIKABLUE .

Out came that Squirtle .

“THUNDERSHOCK again!” I said, praying for a paralysis.

GOD IS REAL AND THIS WAS CHANCE TO SHOW HIM WHAT I’M MADE OF. I WANTED THAT SQUIRTLE FOR MYSELF AND THIS IS THE PERFECT CHANCE.

I ran onto the battlefield without a second thought. Maybe I should have though, because right as I picked up my grand prize…

My left leg is still numb. Thankfully, LEAF was on his phone and missed the stunt I tried to pull. I limped back to my trainer position in time before he looked up and saw his dead Squirtle .

Hah. It wasn’t luck, moron. The only person who got lucky was you. If I got my hands on your turtle I would’ve been unstoppable.

I wonder if I can buy one with the ₽1000 I got for winning.

POKéMON LEAGUE, here I come!